If you sign them up for soccer, you might want to steer them clear of playing goalie.

After a fairly long absence of useless, hilarious, tabloid news I am back and ready to go. Shawn Johnson, most widely recognized as an Olympic Champion for Team USA has had a rough couple of weeks. Currently she is a participant on ABC’s Dancing With the Stars, something she might soon regret. Last week there was some hella crazy guy trying to break onto the set to catch a glimpse of her. The man was arrested and later they found two guns, zip ties, rope, a map, and duct tape in his car; standard kidnapping materials. Now she has this perv she dances with every week trying to bone her on television! (If you haven’t noticed, take a look at the dude’s happy place). I usually don’t have any pity for celebrities cause for the most part they get what they deserve, but I kind of feel for this girl, all she gets are creeps trying to kidnap her and dude’s with tiny dicks.

But priceless nonetheless. Thanks to Inthegame22 for the hilarious commercial. Maybe Durex would like to sponsor OSN-TV?

Blake Griffin is an absolute beast, I would probably be honored to lick his finger while he slapped me in the face with his junk. Here is what it says for those who can’t read the small print. “If you are tasting another man’s finger, while his junk is in your face, his foot is in your junk, and his gravitational pull has lifted you off the ground…You sir have failed.”

Thanks frito for the tip!

If you have something that you think deserves to be on the OSN home page e-mail me, penny@oneseasonnation.com

I can’t decide whether to give this guy mad props for sticking it out and finishing the race despite clearly being handicapped or if I should just beat the crap out of him for being an idiot. Regardless, the dude shit his pants and is now all over the internet. You have to wonder, if presented with the same opportunity again, would he do it?

Thanks to DurShar again for another hilarious pic

If you have something that you think deserves to be on the OSN home page e-mail me, penny@oneseasonnation.com

TMZ - Kobe Bryant and his wife Vanessa are being sued by their former housekeeper, who claims Vanessa was incredibly abusive — even demanding that she put her hand in a bag of dog feces to retrieve a tag from her blouse. Maria Jimenez claims Vanessa called her “lazy, slow, dumb, a f—ing liar, and f—ing sh-t.” In the lawsuit filed in Superior Court in Orange County, Jimenez claims Vanessa accused her of stealing her (mouth) retainer. Jimenez says it got so bad — Vanessa allegedly “badgered, harassed and humiliated Maria by yelling and screaming at Maria and criticizing her in front of Kobe, the Bryants’ children, employees and other people in the household” — she threatened to quit but Kobe talked her out of it. The final straw: When Vanessa went nuclear because Maria put an expensive blouse in the washer. Vanessa demanded that Maria put her hand in a bag of dog feces to retrieve the price tag for the blouse. Maria says she wanted to quit and Vanessa responded that she “had to work until payday to pay for the $690 blouse, which she did.” Maria is suing for wrongful discharge, invasion of privacy and emotional distress and unpaid wages.

Ok, so I know your husband is one of the greatest to play the game; and I know he cheats on you at least once a week; but lady, that does not give you the right to be a f***ing lunatic! Maybe if it you were KING’s wife this would be acceptable, but until your hubby is the number one traded SOI on OneSeason.com I think you need to take a few steps back. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I have no problem giving incompetent people a piece of my mind, the deserve it. But to force this woman to reach into dog shit to get a tag from a blouse is and then make her work to pay it off is a little over the line. I get it, you wanted to wear the blouse once and return it, oldest trick in the book, that’s fine. News flash! Your husband makes a gazillion dollars a year! Just take the hit financially and move on, I think you will survive. I hope this woman gets a hell of a settlement if for no other reason than I am from Boston and anything bad that happens to KOBE is good news to me.

Got to hand to the kids from Creighton, it takes balls to wear a shirt like this in public, but they love BJ’s, they want everyone to know about it, and I for one respect that.

Thanks to DurShar for the share

If you have something that you think is front page worthy e-mail me, penny@oneseasonnation.com

So yesterday the National Football League passed multiple new rules in a continued effort to increase player safety.  On the surface, that sounded all well and good, but then i got around to seeing what those new rules are, and I must say they left me perplexed…

First, no more hits to the neck and head of defensless receivers like the one Pitt safety Ryan Clark layed on Wes Welker last year that knocked him out of the game.  That I have no problem with, there is no need for those kinds of plays.Along those same lines, the infamous wedge on kickoffs can no longer have more than 2 people, again, fair enough, breaking up the wedge has been known to be one of the most brutal things in football…

but then the NFL went way beyond that with the “Tom Brady Rule”… now no players are allowed to attempt to tackle the quarterback while they are on the gound.  Are you kidding me?  The hit that knocked out Brady was not a dirty hit, there was no malicious intent, it was just a guy going hard and playing the entire play out.  Is he just supposed to quit once he gets knocked down?  First your not allowed to gently brush the qb’s helmet for fear of getting a personal foul, now this.  The QB has become a strike zone, hit too high and its illegal, hit too low and its illegal, I hope your aims good enough to hit right in the middle.

Of course, Pats owner Robert Kraft loves the new rule saying, “whatever we can do to protect quarterbacks and to minimize the opportunity of them being taken out with a year-ending injury I would support….It’s like going to see a great movie and the star isn’t in the movie. It’s the same principle.”

With that thought in mind, I came up with a few other rules the NFL should impliment next year…

1) New Dress Code:  All players must wear a bra and panties over their uniform to remind us that they are delicate flowers.  Hopefully this will remind players to treat each other with respect, afterall, you shouldn’t hit girls.

2) Mandatory hugging after every play:  After each play every player in the game must find a player on the opposing team to hug.  This rule will help create the type of friendly, butt fucking environment that the NFL is trying to cultivate.  Kisses are optional, but would be appreciated.

3) Hitting is no longer allowed.  Anyone that tackles an opposing player will immediately be ejected.  Instead, the NFL will be instituting a new “2 hand touch” policy.  Instant replays will be used to settle disputes between whether or not the ball carrier was touched with 1 or 2 hands.

4) Running is no longer allowed.  Games will now be played at “walk through” pace.  Over the years it has been proven that running has resulted in numerous muscle pulls and other injuries and that is unacceptable.  Fast walking is in the discussion, and if it is not banned next year, it most certainly will be the year after.

5) Offensive lineman are no longer allowed to block defensive lineman (or any blitzers for that matter).  That kind of physical contact is not in the best interest of NFL players health.  Instead, the two sides will play a “magicesque” card game where the winner (whoever has the most Hit Points left) will be allowed to pass the line of scrimmage and slowly walk towards the quarterback

Remember, the NFL is in the business of protecting it’s players, not letting them play a fast, hard hitting, competitive, but clean game… idk about you, but i’m really excited for the NFL in 2010!

*in unrelated news, my 8 year old nephew is being projected as the #1 overall pick in the 2010 draft.  Rumors have it under the new, “safe” NFL, he is one of the top prospects in the country.

If you told me I could call this number and talk to Evangeline Lilly you can bet your ass I would be first in line. This girl is right up my alley and anyone who has seen Lost definitely agrees with me. How they got this babe to do a commercial for their whacked out hot line is beyond me but all I can picture is her tied up in some dudes basement and him having his way with her.

If you have any videos you think deserve to be put on the OSN front page email them to me, penny@oneseasonnation.com with OSN Video’s as the subject line.

This is a bit of old news but here is Julian Tavarez explaining why he signed with the Nationals.

“Why did I sign with the Nationals? When you go to a club at 4 in the morning, and you’re just waiting, waiting, a 600-pounder looks like J-Lo. And to me this is Jennifer Lopez right here. It’s 4 in the morning. Too much to drink. So, Nationals [are] Jennifer Lopez to me.”

Now if only everyone was so honest, I think the world would be a much better place.

Are you tired of sitting around every day waiting for the next big thing?  Every day you sit at your computer and stare at the website thinking, “when is this thing going to blow up.”  We remember how much fun OneSeason can be, then we remember how quickly that fun can turn into boredom and a stagnant market.

If you’re one of those people I just described above, one of those people hoping that these mythical third party games will bring the fun back to OS, stop dreaming!  Instead of waiting around for that next big thing, why not create it.  If the possibilities of OneSeason are truly limitless, why not get creating.  Use that imagination to come up with something that will “change the game forever”.

With that thought in mind, I have taken it upon myself to come up with a few ideas that I think could really take off.  Ideas that could take OneSeason to the next level.  If you think Oneseasonnation and Oneseasontrader were good ideas, just wait, its only the beginning.

Oneseasonfights.com

Screw the Rep system!  The OneSeason community is filled with rivalries.  What better way to settle those differences than with a good old fashion brawl.  Who wouldn’t pay to watch BP and TheBrett battle it out against Knup and JC in a tag team match for the title of Best OS Community (forget the fact that many of us participate in both, this is a fight damn it!).  Or how about Ponzi vs StockPlayer in a “Pyramid Match” (you know, first one to climb to the top of the pyramid in the middle of the ring and grab the fake check wins, but watch out, because you never know when your opponent will rip the bottom of the pyramid out from under you and the whole thing will come crashing down).

Oneseasonmatch.com

Are you tired of looking for love in all the wrong places.  At oneseasonmatch.com we will match you based on 29 proven dimensions of compatibility.  Our complicated process involves analyzing both your trading and posting habits in determining who you’re most compatible with.  Do you like investing for the long term, or are you the day trading type?  Football or Baseball?  Shaq or Kobe?  Do you make 20 useless posts a day, or 2 well thought out ones?  No matter what you’re type, we’ll find a soul mate for you.  (Note: We have already successfully matched RandyRatio with a big black dildo and a can of axe, and he’s said he couldn’t be happier)

Oneseasonporno.com

This is something I have been pushing for a long time now.  If you think about it, it is really the only logical place to go for the OneSeason empire.  We have sports, we have gambling (oneseasonpoker), whats the next logical step?  Sex of course!  Afterall, what more does any guy need.  Sure there are some kinks that need to be worked out (the last thing i want to see is Sdog in silk boxers), but I think this things got potential.  Just think of it as an x rated version of SI’s swimsuit edition.  Just imagine the day when OS is big enough that ESPN keeps an OS ticker on tv… when that day comes OSPorno will be big enough to get athletes wives involved.  I don’t see how it could go wrong!

Oneseasonbuzzed.com

I have a dream, and this is it… If oneseasonporno is the next logical step the OS evolution, then surely OSBuzzed can’t be far behind.  Sports, gambling, sex, and beer. Oh what a world we would live in… Come to oneseasonbuzzed.com not only for our drinks (I call it the Berry Bonds… you take 2 parts Berry Kool-Aid, 2 parts Mountain Dew, and 1 part Grain Alcohol, then put it all in a syringe and inject it right into the bloodstream… that shit’ll knock you out), but also for our safe trading.  No longer do you have to fear getting loaded and then coming home and buying 5 shares for 100 bucks instead of 100 for 5 bucks.  Using our highly complicated trade analyzer, we are able to sort through all the wrong numbers/completely nonsensical characters, to figure out exactly what you wanted.  And if for some reason the computer is still unable to figure out your order, or the end result is too far from the players current price, your order will be put on hold for 12 hours until you’re sober enough to confirm it.  But thats not all, oneseasonbuzzed support also extends to the forums where you will no longer have to fear looking like an idiot when drunk/high.  Trained experts will be working around the clock to decipher all the typos, ramblings, and everything else that comes with being 20 beers deep and trying to operate a computer.

So there you have it.  If you want the excitement of OS to continue for the long term, you must always get bigger, better, and crazier.  This is (without a doubt) the future of OS, and I for one can’t wait…

It is now in your hands nation, I have showed you the next big thing… but where will you push OS after that?  What are your “big ideas”

How were you alerted for the Chase Utley IPO? BOBS TOOL, OSPULSE, OSTEXT, OSALERTS..??

Well, being a devoted OSN Member I was given access to the Newest and Most Reliable Alert to date!! Philadogs Ass!!

Philadude has many connections being a lawyer and all, and one of his many clients happens to be a Stem Cell resercher. This man, who will remain anonymous for the time being, was able to take the IPO Alert Gene directly from the IPO Monkey and insert it into Philadogs rectum. Now with each bowel movement, Philadogs anus brings the excitement of a possible IPO Release!! The exact science is behind the magical pooping is still being worked out but we have narrowed it down to every 7-9 shits.

With each BM (bowel movement), Philadude busts out his cell phone and snaps an action photo. This
photo is then instant messaged to his entire phone book.

I apologize for the photo quality, I dont have full access to all my tools but this is BREAKING NEWS that I had to share with all of you ASAP — more info with better quality pics to come!!

I have never understood the sport of soccer, sure, I guess it could be fun to play; I myself would get very bored and tired but whatever, to each their own. What is even more confusing to me is how effin crazy soccer players and fans are around the world. It seems like every day there is a riot somewhere and just recently a goalie in Iraq was shot dead after the match. What I love most about this video is when the players get close to the ref, instead of punching or tackling they jump up in the air like little fairies and kick the dude. As a side note, this dude is pretty damn fast and basically out ran all the players.

If you have any videos you think deserve to be put on the OSN front page email them to me, penny@oneseasonnation.com with OSN Video’s as the subject line.

I can’t really blame this guy. You could tell right from the second he first touched the ball that he was going for the big slam. The poor bastard almost tripped when he got the free throw line and when all he wanted was to get on Sportcenter he instead makes a huge ass of himself. You can tell he is not in that position very often and simply got over excited. I’m not going to lie, I give this guy mad props just for trying as he is clearly at a disadvantage to the other players, but man, he needs to know his limitations. And good for him for getting right back up and sprinting down the court to get on D.

Thanks to DurShar for the video

There are no words to describe how I felt when I saw this.